It‘s been a tough cross country season for my son, a sophomore in high school. While doing workouts with his team, instead of running at the pace his group chose, he decided to run at the pace that felt right for him, which often led to him being ‘dropped,’ or basically left behind to run by himself and then later be ‘collected.’
He didn’t do this last season. Last year he did whatever it took to stay with the group to avoid getting dropped. And seemingly after every workout he complained that the group was ‘pace pushing’ or running faster than the workout directed. Egos were choosing the pace. And the result? A disappointing season of slower and slower times.
This year, he decided to do what was right for him and to run the workout at his own pace, not the pace the group dictated. He started running workouts by himself or with a slower group. The result? Teammates that he used to beat regularly were now beating him. This worried me. Are you sure you’re doing the right thing, I would ask? Are you sure you don’t want to run just a little bit faster during those workouts?
He’d say no. He’s say he was trying to trust in the process, but he didn’t sound convinced. I think he was starting to doubt his choice of doing things differently.
I was definitely doubting him. Secretly.
On Thursday, he proved us all wrong. He came from behind and won his last race of the season. First place. First time ever. He beat many of those teammates that had been beating him.
When he crossed the finish line all alone and first, I was totally confused. Practically every single race he’s every run has had me at the finish line filming the final moment that he’d come around the bend and cross the line. But not this one. I was actually standing there asking his dad if he understood our son’s training philosophy because I sure didn’t. I said this because I had watched him run 3 of the 4 loops lagging behind his teammates. I was so busy expressing my skepticism of his approach that when he came around the bend with no one else in sight, I thought somehow I’d missed the leaders and in my confusion forgot to take a video or even a picture. I just stood there dumbfounded. After he crossed the line I asked my husband, what just happened? He laughed and said, I guess his training is finally working.
My son trusted in the process.And I doubted him all along.
Which probably isn’t that surprising, because I often doubt myself.
I’ve learned to recognize my pattern by now. It usually starts with me being disappointed, or disheartened and possibly even dismayed with a project. Something isn’t working and I finally decide I’ve had enough. Time to do something different.
I brainstorm a new idea. Get excited. Jump in head-first. All in. Work, work, work. More and more excited.
But then—
Slowly at first, the doubt creeps in. Is this actually a good idea or was I just at a particularly low point and anything would have sounded good? With time it snowballs. I start doing less and less as the doubt becomes more and more.
Meanwhile, whatever sent me into that downward spiral comes back, somehow changed. A new opportunity. A problem that needs solving. Something that reassures me, convinces me, that THIS – this thing I wanted to get away from – is actually what I should be doing.
I jump back in, happy to be doing something familiar, something I know i’m good at.
And that new idea I was so excited about? It drifts to the dusty backwoods of my brain, only to be rediscovered during the next low point.
And the cycle begins again.
One of these abandoned projects has been writing. I’m scared of writing. The vulnerability of it terrifies me. But I also keep thinking that if I can just figure it out, something will shift. So I start. Get excited. Write for a few weeks. Then the doubt creeps in and I stop.
I restarted this cycle of writing again 3 weeks ago. This is probably the 5th iteration in 5 years, and I can already feel my momentum begin to waver.
Not 5 minutes after writing these words about doubt, I was scrolling Instagram (because of course I was), and the first thing I saw was a clip of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s 2018 Harvard commencement speech.
It felt like the universe had a point to make regarding my predictable doubt spiral.
She said: “The truth is, you cannot create anything of value without both self-doubt and self-belief. Without self-doubt, you become complacent. Without self-belief, you cannot succeed. You need both.”
I keep thinking about my son at that finish line. How he spent months doing what felt right, running slower than his group, while everyone just thought he wasn’t ‘locked in’. His teammates taunted him as they ran by. He just ignored them. He trusted the process even though he had no reason to. Even while I was (secretly) doubting him.
He had the self-doubt. Of course he did. But he also had the self-belief to keep going anyway.
I’ve been writing every day this week. Some pieces I’m proud of. Some, less so. But I’m writing. That’s not momentum waning—that’s momentum building.
The doubt showing up right now? According to Adichie, that’s necessary.
This time, maybe I can name it: “Oh, here’s the doubt cycle again. Right on schedule.”
And then keep going anyway.
In that same speech, Adichie shared an Igbo saying.
Whenever you wake up, that is your morning.Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start writing!